Cultivate Compassion

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice 

compassion.” - Dalai Lama

If you're looking for some long-term happiness in your life, you might consider giving the cultivation of compassion a try. Short-term happiness often comes from pleasures like sex, gambling, video games and so on and have a very limited effect. You want something more permanent and you can achieve that lasting happiness by simply being compassionate.

What is compassion?

A good definition is found on Wikipedia: compassion is an emotion that is a sense of shared suffering, most often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another; to show special kindness to those who suffer. Compassion essentially arises through empathy, and is often characterized through actions, wherein a person acting with compassion will seek to aid those they feel compassionate for.

Compassionate acts are generally considered those which take into account the suffering of others and attempt to alleviate that suffering as if it were one’s own. In this sense, the various forms of the Golden Rule are clearly based on the concept of compassion.

Compassion differs from other forms of helpful or humane behavior in that its focus is primarily on the alleviation of suffering.

So what's in it for me?

Good question, and the answer is science. Studies suggest that there are a number of benefits tied to the practice of compassion. People who regularly cultivate compassion produce 100 percent more DHEA, an anti-aging hormone, and 23 percent less cortisol, the so called stress hormone.

Emotionally and spiritually, being compassionate helps you to be more happy and obviously helps others around you to be happier. Knowing that we all have the desire for happiness, it's evident that compassion may be the best path for achieving that happiness.

Making compassion your priority.

Like most activities, cultivating compassion is a commitment and requires repetition. I'm going to suggest that you try to cultivate some compassion daily.

Consider or meditate on being more compassionate upon arising from sleep, in your contact with others, and reflect on it before retiring for the day. Practice is perfect and it soon becomes a part of your routine and your life. The Dalai Lama has said, “This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”

Start your day with the right mindset

When you arise for the day, start with a ritual. The Dalai Lama suggests this train of thought: “Today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts 

towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.” When you're feeling comfortable with this move on to the next segment.

The practice

The best way to cultivate compassion is to develop empathy for your fellow human beings. Most of us believe that we have empathy and, in fact, just about everyone does have some level of empathy. The reality is this though: most of us are self centered, including me. As a result we lose that ability to show empathy gradually over time. Imagine that someone you love is suffering. Something terrible has happened to him or her. Try to imagine the pain they are going through. Get a good visual with all of the detail you can muster. In a couple of weeks, you should try moving on to imagining the suffering of others you know, not just those who are close to you.

We have a tendency to find and sometimes point out the differences between ourselves and others. As a change of mindset look for what you have in common. At the root of it all, we are all human beings. We need food, shelter and love. We desire attention, recognition, affection, a sense of belonging, and, above all, happiness. Consider what you have in common with every other human being and try to ignore the differences. There's a great set of exercises found in an article from Ode Magazine.  Try this five-step exercise when you meet friends and strangers. Do it discreetly and try to do all the steps with the same person. With your attention geared to the other person, tell yourself: 

Step 1: “Just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his/her life.”

Step 2: “Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”

Step 3: “Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”

Step 4: “Just like me, this person is seeking to fill his/her needs.”

Step 5: “Just like me, this person is learning about life.”

Learning to wear the other person's shoes especially if they don't have any

If you can empathize with another person and understand his/her humanity and suffering, you will logically feel motivated to help that person and relieve their suffering. This is the very definition of compassion. Try this exercise: Imagine the suffering of a human being you’ve met recently. Now imagine that you are the one going through that suffering. Reflect on how much you 

would like that suffering to end. Reflect on how happy you would be if another human being desired your suffering to end and acted upon it. Open your heart to that human being and if you feel even a little that you’d want their suffering to end, reflect on that feeling. That’s the feeling that you want to develop. With constant practice, that feeling can be grown and nurtured.

Acts of kindness

At this stage of your compassion practice, it's time to move on to the next exercise, expanding your ability to be compassionate. Imagine again the suffering of someone you know or met recently. Imagine again that you are that person, and are going through that suffering. Now imagine that another human being would like your suffering to end — perhaps your mother or 

another loved one. What would you like for that person to do to end your suffering? Now reverse roles: you are the person who desires for the other person’s suffering to end. Imagine that you do something to help ease the suffering, or end it completely. Once you get good at this stage, 

practice doing something small each day to help end the suffering of others, even in a tiny way. 

Even a smile, or a kind word, or doing an errand or chore, or just talking about a problem with another person. Practice doing something kind to help ease the suffering of others. When you are good at this, discipline yourself to make it a daily practice, and eventually a throughout-the-day practice.

Compassion for the bully

The final phase in your practice is to expand it beyond those we love and meet, those who mistreat us. When you encounter someone who mistreats you, learn to withdraw rather than acting in anger. When you are more detached from the event, reflect on that person who mistreated you. 

Try to imagine the background of that person. Try to imagine what that person was taught as a child. Imagine the day or week that person was going through, and what kind of bad things may have happened to that person. Imagine the mood and state of mind that person was in — the suffering that person must have been going through to mistreat you that way. Understand that their action was not about you, but about what they were going through. Reflect further about the suffering of that poor person, and see if you can imagine trying to stop the suffering of that person. Consider that if you mistreated someone, and they acted with kindness and compassion toward you, whether that would make you less likely to mistreat that person the next 

time and more likely to be kind to that person. Once you have mastered this practice of reflection, try acting with compassion and understanding the next time a person treats you poorly. Do it in small doses until you are proficient. Practice is perfect.

Before retiring for the day

I highly recommend that you take a few minutes before you go to bed to reflect upon your day. Think about the people you met and talked to, and how you treated each other. Think about your goal that you stated upon awakening, to act with compassion towards others. How well did you do? 

What could you do better? What did you learn from your experiences today? Discipline yourself to try at least one of the above practices and exercises.

Conclusion

Cultivating compassion can be done anywhere, any time. Whether you are at work, home, on the road, while traveling, while at a store, at the home of a friend or family member. Bracketing your day with a morning and evening routine, you can frame your day properly in an attitude of empathy, thanksgiving and compassion, furthering your personal growth. With practice, you can begin to do it throughout the day, and throughout your lifetime.

This, above all, with bring happiness to your life and to those around you.

“My message is the practice of compassion, love and kindness. These things are very useful in our daily life, and also for the whole of human society these practices can be very important.” 

- Dalai Lama

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How To Deal With a Bully 21st Century Skeptic Style

Let me say this first, if your kid's a bully there's a reckoning coming if your kids tries to run over one of mine so be forewarned. Second, if my kid's being a bully you be sure to let me know so I can straighten out that problem myself.

I'm addressing the kids that are being bullied and what I'm telling my kids to do and what you can tell your kids. I refuse to be responsible for what you tell your kids and what they do as a result of this article. Disclaimer disclosed.

Do you know what to look for if your child is being bullied? Here are some common signs:







1. An - A - student rapidly drops to a - C - student.

2. Bruises or cuts that your child blames on other things.

3. A general depressed view of life.

4. A sudden unexplained aversion to wanting to go to school.

5. Vanishing lunch money.

6. Getting in trouble for fights that your child swears he or she didn't start.


These signs point to trouble, and need to be investigated further. You as the parent or caregiver need to put lots of attention on solving the problem. If you ignore it, your child could at the minimum suffer lower self-esteem, poor grades, self-confidence issues and a future of the same. Worst case, your child could be physically hurt, or even killed.


If your child is being bullied it's time to wade in as Mamma Bear, Papa Bear whatever - it's time to over-react and get a handle on it immediately. Talk to your child to find out who the bully is and what he or she has been doing to your child. This may be difficult, because most kids are ashamed to let their parents know what awful things have been done to them. You must press on and find out all the details. Either the same day you find out, or early the next morning go to the school and talk to the highest-ranked person there (probably the principal) and scream bloody murder. 

Do not be gentle in your approach with the school otherwise little if anything will be done. Demand that the bully be taken out of that class, or expelled from the school. Threaten law suits against the school and against the parents of the bully if there is even the slightest bullying against your child. If you don't get results go to the school board, pursue legal action. This doesn't mean you will get every demand but you will put the school system on notice that you're taking action all the way through to resolution.


Make life a living hell for the bully that attacked your child. Your son or daughter will probably hate all the attention you are putting on the situation, but for sure they will thank you for it later, and it is your primary job as a parent to protect your child from harm. Follow up after your complaint to the school. Ask your child if the bullying has stopped, go back to the school over and over again until you get what you want. No one messes with your child.


I wasn't a big fan of school and I dealt with my fair share of bullying until about 10th grade when I took a stand and belted my tormentor in the mouth. That was the end of my torment from that particular idiot. My best friend in high school faced this same scenario the same way and, I think, in the same year with the same results. Do I advocate violence? Not as a general rule but in some cases I find it both cathartic and empowering for the abused. Enough is enough sometimes, folks, let's get down to brass tacks here and stop with all the feel good mumbo jumbo. Forgive me if I digress, violence - last resort.


School should be a pleasant learning experience for your child. If he or she is being tormented everyday by a bully there is little chance that your child will do well in school.


Bullying is always an escalating venture. It starts out usually with name-calling. Just like the shark that bumps it's prey before attacking, the bully will be checking to see if there is fear in his proposed victim. If there is, he or she will continue with more and more humiliating attacks, such as throwing objects like spit balls, paper airplanes, rocks and bricks. Use of liquids such as glue on the chair seat, paint on the chair seat, throwing milk. Spitting on the victim, spitting in the victim's food. Damaging the belongings of the victim. Writing on the books, breaking into the victim's locker, stealing personal items of the victim. Physical blows to the victim. Kicking the shin, the groin, the body, punching the stomach, the face, the shoulder, the back. Shooting the victim with everything from a sling-shot to a shotgun. The older the kids get, the more brazen the torment the bullies bring. How long are you going to put up with it?


I have seen in school systems bullies bust up another kid to the point they were nearly unrecognizable, both kids get kicked out for fighting (UNFAIR) or some lesser sentence for the bully like detention. Unacceptable.


Things can get really out of hand for your child if you allow it. Bullying is not limited to school. It often happens in the neighborhood, at the park, at after-school programs. There will always be bullies around your child. Don't let your child be the victim.


Strategies
Stopping the problem before it becomes a problem is always the best tactic. Here's what you should teach your child to help them to deal with bullies: Make sure your child understands that no matter how big and scary looking the bully is, he or she does not have the right to hurt your child and that the bully is being a bully because he or she is insecure and is a coward. You've got to give your child the confidence to stand up to the bully.

Most all schools have a zero-violence policy. If a child fights, that child gets sent home. Tell your child that when it comes to bullies, you expect him or her to fight back and that you will support your child's actions 100%. Many kids never fight back against bullies because they are afraid they'll be in trouble with their parents, and they allow the bully to harass them for many years.




By the way, one of our personal favorites here is to laugh at an insult or name calling and walk away. That's working good in elementary school for now but how about later?


Teach your child to over-react to the threat of a bully and to follow these guidelines: If some kid calls your child a bad word, he or she should look the bully right in the eye and angrily command "Stop It!" Immediately after, your child should go to the principal. Yard monitors for the most part won't be of much help. Your child needs to go right to the top. If on a subsequent occasion the bully physically touches your child in any manner, your child should very forcefully slap the bullies hand off, and with eye contact and a pointed finger-- command loudly "Don't EVER touch me again!"



In my law enforcement days we used to say "Stop resisting!" very loudly when dealing with a combative suspect. It has a psychological effect on witnesses and makes them pay attention to what's going on, sorting out the aggressor from the non-aggressor.

Teach your son or daughter to have a defiant attitude toward bullies. He or she should become very angry when a bully attempts physical contact. Your child should then go straight to the principal's office to complain, and call you at work or home. Once again, this should be made a very big deal.

It has to be so painful for the school when a bully tries to hurt your child that everyone at the school goes out of their way to prevent it from happening. If you under-react nothing will be done. Schools are run as a bureaucracy and for anything to get done, you first have to get noticed. You and your child need to cause a major ruckus every time there is a problem with a bully.

If it happens again that the bully physically touches or harms your child, instruct your child to snap kick the bully in the groin full power, and then to stand over the bully and say "You were warned, next time I won't be so nice!!" Then again, right to the principal's office. Pick your technique here, it doesn't have to be a groin shot.

Your child might get suspended for the day. But, it will change two people's lives forever and will be well worth it. Your son or daughter will be changed because he or she will have learned to fight back, and with the confidence gained from the experience, your child will most likely never be targeted again as a bully's victim. Your child would also have done the bully a big favor. The bully would have learned that it's not a good idea to go up to people and pick on them. If the bully hadn't learned this lesson with your child, he might have continued to bully people for many years. As an adult, the bully might go up and harass an armed person who may not be as forgiving as your child was.

Bullying for a junior high school or high school student can be a very dangerous proposition. The bully/victim relationship is basically the same as it was in elementary school, but now the bullies are much bigger and stronger and are capable of extreme damage. Especially in junior high school the amount of bullying and fights increase dramatically. Most likely this is due to the onset of adolescence.

Young adults try to establish a "pecking order" at this age. To make sure your child doesn't end up on the low end of that order, here are a few things to help: It's better to have friends than enemies. Encourage your child to have as many friends as possible. Try to get your child to get involved in team sports, and in some of the clubs available in junior high and high school. In general, kids with a strong core group of friends don't get picked on much.

Once again, instill an indignant attitude in your child toward bullies. Instruct your child to not let an aggressor get away with anything. Should a bully attempt to torment your child, he or she should instantly fight back, and then again go straight to the principal to report what happened and to call you. Cause a stink, get results. If your child doesn't immediately fight back, the hesitation will be interpreted as fear and will cause the bully's attacks to get worse.

Do your child a big favor and teach them not to stand for being bullied-- not now, not ever. This martial artist attitude will give your child a happy, rewarding time during school and for the rest of his or her life.


The school system will not endorse this type of response to bullying. They are at the mercy of policy and procedure. Your child is at the mercy of the bully - YOU decide which is more important.

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