Cultivate Compassion

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice 

compassion.” - Dalai Lama

If you're looking for some long-term happiness in your life, you might consider giving the cultivation of compassion a try. Short-term happiness often comes from pleasures like sex, gambling, video games and so on and have a very limited effect. You want something more permanent and you can achieve that lasting happiness by simply being compassionate.

What is compassion?

A good definition is found on Wikipedia: compassion is an emotion that is a sense of shared suffering, most often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another; to show special kindness to those who suffer. Compassion essentially arises through empathy, and is often characterized through actions, wherein a person acting with compassion will seek to aid those they feel compassionate for.

Compassionate acts are generally considered those which take into account the suffering of others and attempt to alleviate that suffering as if it were one’s own. In this sense, the various forms of the Golden Rule are clearly based on the concept of compassion.

Compassion differs from other forms of helpful or humane behavior in that its focus is primarily on the alleviation of suffering.

So what's in it for me?

Good question, and the answer is science. Studies suggest that there are a number of benefits tied to the practice of compassion. People who regularly cultivate compassion produce 100 percent more DHEA, an anti-aging hormone, and 23 percent less cortisol, the so called stress hormone.

Emotionally and spiritually, being compassionate helps you to be more happy and obviously helps others around you to be happier. Knowing that we all have the desire for happiness, it's evident that compassion may be the best path for achieving that happiness.

Making compassion your priority.

Like most activities, cultivating compassion is a commitment and requires repetition. I'm going to suggest that you try to cultivate some compassion daily.

Consider or meditate on being more compassionate upon arising from sleep, in your contact with others, and reflect on it before retiring for the day. Practice is perfect and it soon becomes a part of your routine and your life. The Dalai Lama has said, “This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”

Start your day with the right mindset

When you arise for the day, start with a ritual. The Dalai Lama suggests this train of thought: “Today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts 

towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.” When you're feeling comfortable with this move on to the next segment.

The practice

The best way to cultivate compassion is to develop empathy for your fellow human beings. Most of us believe that we have empathy and, in fact, just about everyone does have some level of empathy. The reality is this though: most of us are self centered, including me. As a result we lose that ability to show empathy gradually over time. Imagine that someone you love is suffering. Something terrible has happened to him or her. Try to imagine the pain they are going through. Get a good visual with all of the detail you can muster. In a couple of weeks, you should try moving on to imagining the suffering of others you know, not just those who are close to you.

We have a tendency to find and sometimes point out the differences between ourselves and others. As a change of mindset look for what you have in common. At the root of it all, we are all human beings. We need food, shelter and love. We desire attention, recognition, affection, a sense of belonging, and, above all, happiness. Consider what you have in common with every other human being and try to ignore the differences. There's a great set of exercises found in an article from Ode Magazine.  Try this five-step exercise when you meet friends and strangers. Do it discreetly and try to do all the steps with the same person. With your attention geared to the other person, tell yourself: 

Step 1: “Just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his/her life.”

Step 2: “Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”

Step 3: “Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”

Step 4: “Just like me, this person is seeking to fill his/her needs.”

Step 5: “Just like me, this person is learning about life.”

Learning to wear the other person's shoes especially if they don't have any

If you can empathize with another person and understand his/her humanity and suffering, you will logically feel motivated to help that person and relieve their suffering. This is the very definition of compassion. Try this exercise: Imagine the suffering of a human being you’ve met recently. Now imagine that you are the one going through that suffering. Reflect on how much you 

would like that suffering to end. Reflect on how happy you would be if another human being desired your suffering to end and acted upon it. Open your heart to that human being and if you feel even a little that you’d want their suffering to end, reflect on that feeling. That’s the feeling that you want to develop. With constant practice, that feeling can be grown and nurtured.

Acts of kindness

At this stage of your compassion practice, it's time to move on to the next exercise, expanding your ability to be compassionate. Imagine again the suffering of someone you know or met recently. Imagine again that you are that person, and are going through that suffering. Now imagine that another human being would like your suffering to end — perhaps your mother or 

another loved one. What would you like for that person to do to end your suffering? Now reverse roles: you are the person who desires for the other person’s suffering to end. Imagine that you do something to help ease the suffering, or end it completely. Once you get good at this stage, 

practice doing something small each day to help end the suffering of others, even in a tiny way. 

Even a smile, or a kind word, or doing an errand or chore, or just talking about a problem with another person. Practice doing something kind to help ease the suffering of others. When you are good at this, discipline yourself to make it a daily practice, and eventually a throughout-the-day practice.

Compassion for the bully

The final phase in your practice is to expand it beyond those we love and meet, those who mistreat us. When you encounter someone who mistreats you, learn to withdraw rather than acting in anger. When you are more detached from the event, reflect on that person who mistreated you. 

Try to imagine the background of that person. Try to imagine what that person was taught as a child. Imagine the day or week that person was going through, and what kind of bad things may have happened to that person. Imagine the mood and state of mind that person was in — the suffering that person must have been going through to mistreat you that way. Understand that their action was not about you, but about what they were going through. Reflect further about the suffering of that poor person, and see if you can imagine trying to stop the suffering of that person. Consider that if you mistreated someone, and they acted with kindness and compassion toward you, whether that would make you less likely to mistreat that person the next 

time and more likely to be kind to that person. Once you have mastered this practice of reflection, try acting with compassion and understanding the next time a person treats you poorly. Do it in small doses until you are proficient. Practice is perfect.

Before retiring for the day

I highly recommend that you take a few minutes before you go to bed to reflect upon your day. Think about the people you met and talked to, and how you treated each other. Think about your goal that you stated upon awakening, to act with compassion towards others. How well did you do? 

What could you do better? What did you learn from your experiences today? Discipline yourself to try at least one of the above practices and exercises.

Conclusion

Cultivating compassion can be done anywhere, any time. Whether you are at work, home, on the road, while traveling, while at a store, at the home of a friend or family member. Bracketing your day with a morning and evening routine, you can frame your day properly in an attitude of empathy, thanksgiving and compassion, furthering your personal growth. With practice, you can begin to do it throughout the day, and throughout your lifetime.

This, above all, with bring happiness to your life and to those around you.

“My message is the practice of compassion, love and kindness. These things are very useful in our daily life, and also for the whole of human society these practices can be very important.” 

- Dalai Lama

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Turning off the Noise Inside Your Head

That infernal, internal tape deck telling you all of the bad news for today, next week, ten years from now.
Sometimes it's something small like you forgot to feed the fish this morning but it's going to keep running in your head reminding you what a moron you are and how dire the consequences are going to be. Other times it may be an anxiety attack detonator, prodding you constantly so you know that doom and death are very near.

Without getting into much detail, I'm going to offer one basic relaxation technique followed by the parry to the internal dialogue. Becoming involved in the right now and simply being is the key to finding peace.

Relaxing
First, as with all relaxation techniques, breath deeply in through the nose as you count (1-2-3-4), hold that breath (1-2-3-4), breathe out through your mouth(1-2-3-4). Repeat as many times as you can comfortably but I suggest six as a minimum. You'll notice the fog lifting and your heart rate slowing, that's what we're going for.
In future sessions practice try to increase your count.
This one is best performed lying down but can be used from any position. Assuming you're in an environment where you can grab a few minutes of down time, scrunch up your whole face as much as possible, hold that scrunch for a couple beats and relax your face. Move down to your neck and repeat the same tension and release method. Continue down to the shoulders, upper back (bring your shoulder blades back tight), arms and so on down the body all the way to your toes.

Observing
Without making any judgements whatsoever or internally saying "I'm not making any judgements", simply observe your thoughts for a few moments. This is perhaps the most difficult to learn since it involves some dissassociation between your "self" (who you actually are) and your ego, the part of your mind trying to run the show. Stick with it without frustration. Let some thoughts pass and ask yourself "I wonder what my next thought will be?". Doing this you
are breaking into that stream of chatter and pressing the pause button. This is stage one of becoming an observer to the tape deck rather than the participant in the tape deck's incessant lecture.

You may practice this several times before you get what your looking for, which is silence in your head however brief that may be. Three seconds, one second, thirty? Doesn't matter and skip the judgemental ego who is trying to tell you that you aren't making any progress.

Success
When you find that moment or two of silence and clarity you can rest assured you are well on your way to peace using this technique.

Quick Version
See the breathing instructions above, they are required for the quick version as well. This works while driving, in the office, at home - wherever. It's a shorter version and starts with the face scrunch, followed by slowly rolling your head in big lazy circles first one way then the other. Follow this with squeezing the shoulder blades in tight, holding and releasing. This forces your body to momentarily relax and you can get to the observation part of the technique. As an alternative to the "I wonder what my next thought will be" submit this to your inner tape deck: try to think about both the Empire State Building while counting backwards from ninety nine.

Follow Up
Like all things you want to excel in, this requires practice to get started on that road less traveled. Once you've achieved that first moment of simply being right here, right now, subsequent journeys will give more and more time and better results sooner.

Questions
Is this entering an altered state? You could say that in the sense you have recovered control of your mind for a bit, that it is altered from the normal state of internal chatter but in a broader sense, no. You're not drifting off to sleep, under hypnosis and so on. If anything, you will find you are more aware and able to focus on your tasks at hand.

Suggested Reading
The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle    
Great read, lots of insight, I don't agree with everything he says yet there is certainly something for everyone who reads it

The Tibetan Book of the Dead        
Not what you think it is

Hagakure: The Book of the Samurai - Yamamoto Tsunetomo    
Fantastic existential read on samurais and their "seconds", full of wisdom and stories

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Triumph in the Face of Adversity

Right now many people are facing tough times.  Life as we once knew it has changed and we may find ourselves confronting situations we have never dealt with before.

 While we might not be able to control things that are occurring in the world, we can control how we react to what is happening.  Specifically, we can control how we use our minds and thoughts to get through difficult circumstances.  The following are simple steps that will not only help you handle any challenges, but will allow you to move through them to achieve success.

             Remember this too shall pass – Sometimes when we are faced with tough times we feel as if they will never end.  We can’t see ‘the light at the end of the tunnel’ to that time when our problems are resolved.  It seems as if we will always have to deal with the difficulty.  This can be a very negative attitude to adopt because it leads to a sense of hopelessness – why bother trying to change things because it won’t make a difference anyway.  Now is the time to remember that, as with most things in life, this too shall pass.  You will find another job, business will pick up, the pain and grief will subside.  As you realize that this challenging time will be replaced by a brighter tomorrow, you will find it easier to take the necessary steps to resolve your situation.

             Consider past successes – Often when we are dealing with a difficult situation we develop amnesia about our past.  Unless you are one of a privileged few, you have successfully overcome prior challenges in your life.  Think about past events when you’ve been tougher than your problems.  It will help you realize that deep within, you have the strength and fortitude to move beyond this demanding time.

             Determine your personal success strategy – As you recall those times when you’ve triumphed over trouble, consider what strategies you used to accomplish it.  Each of us has many successful strategies that we’ve used in our past.  However, we often forget to pull out those strategies during those times that we can most benefit from them.  Determine what worked for you before and apply those successful ideas now.  You will find it much easier to handle any adversity you may be facing.

             Handle day-to-day challenges, but envision your goal – When we go through difficult times it is easy to get bogged down in the minutiae of the situation and forget where we are headed.  Take time out to envision what life will be like when the situation has reached a successful outcome.  Handle the day-to-day details such as making follow-up phone calls, finding new ways to market yourself or your business, solving daily problems, but always remind yourself of how things will look and feel when you are triumphant.  This will provide you with the motivation to continue taking action and it will also help you maintain a positive attitude.

             Find a support system – When we are struggling with major challenges it is very difficult to consistently stay upbeat.  We don’t get the position, we lose the sale, the expenses continue to pile up as the money gives out.  This is the time when we need others to help us remain focused and optimistic.  Call a confidante who can see the bright side when you can’t.  Talk to a trusted friend who will help you leave your ‘pity party’ and take action once again.  There are times when even the strongest and most positive of us need others to help us navigate through the trials of trouble.

             Focus on what is right in your life – When we are confronted by problems it is very easy to let them control our perspective on life.  We spend much time and energy focusing on what is wrong and very little time thinking about what is right.  On a daily basis, come up with a list of things that are good in your life, things for which you can be grateful even as you travel this tough road.  It will help you realize that even though the world may seem to be falling apart around you, you still have many positives in your life.

 Follow these steps whenever you find yourself facing life’s bumps, detours, or valleys.  They will not only help make the journey easier, but they will lead the way to your ultimate triumph.

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Now and Zen - The Broken Glass

How many times have you gotten upset because someone wasn’t doing their job, because your child isn’t behaving, because your partner or friend isn’t living up to his or her end of the bargain?

How many times have you been irritated when someone doesn’t do things the way you’re used to? Or when you’ve planned something carefully and things didn’t go as you’d hoped?

This kind of anger and irritation happens to all of us — it’s part of the human experience.

Several things that irritate me are when people talk during a movie, cut me off in traffic, chew with their mouth open, and mangling the pronunciation of words like "nuclear" and "jewelry". Actually, I have a lot of these little annoyances — don’t we all?

It isn’t always easy to find peace when you’ve become upset or irritated.

Let me let you in on a little secret to finding peace of mind: see the glass as already broken.

The cause of our stress, anger and irritation is that things don’t go the way we like, the way we expect them to. This is all part of our need to control or micro-manage every facet of our lives and environment. How many times this has been true for you?

And so the solution is simple: expect things to go wrong, expect things to be different than we hoped or planned, expect the unexpected to happen and accept it.

Here's a suggestion for complete reboot of your mindeset with respect to disappointment. Expect things to go wrong — they always do. Remind yourself and those around you to see it as part of the adventure.

This works like a charm. When you inevitably take the wrong exit on the interstate, or when it rains on the day you go camping, or you forget your cellphone and realize it halfway to work; just remind yourself that it’s part of the adventure! You'll find yourself increasingly less bothered by life's hurdles.

So, when the nice glass you bought inevitably falls and breaks, someday, you might get upset. But not if you see the glass as already broken, from the day you get it. You know it’ll break someday, so from the beginning, see it as already broken. Be a time-traveler, or someone with time-traveling vision, and see the future of this glass, from this moment until it inevitably breaks.

When it breaks, you won’t be upset or sad — because it was already broken, from the day you got it. And you’ll realize that every moment you have with it is precious.

Expect your child to mess up — all children do. And don’t get so upset when they mess up, when they don’t do what they’re “supposed” to do … because they’re supposed to make mistakes.

Expect your partner to be less than perfect. Expect your friend to not show up sometimes.

Expect things to go not according to plan.

Expect people to be rude sometimes.

Expect coworkers not to come through sometimes.

Expect roommates not to wash their dishes or pick up their clothes, sometimes.

Expect the glass to break.

And accept it.

You won’t change these inevitable facts — they will happen, eventually. And if you expect it to happen — even see it as already happening, before it happens — you won’t get so upset.

You won’t overreact. You’ll respond appropriately, but not overreact. You can talk to the person about their behavior, and ask them kindly to consider your feelings when they do this … but you won’t get overly emotional and blow things out of proportion.

You’ll smile, and think, “I expected that to happen. The glass was already broken. And I accept that.”

You’ll have peace of mind. And that, my friends, is a welcome surprise.

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Become a Human Lie Detector, a Primer on Subterfuge

What does deception detection have to do with Peace of Mind? Glad you asked. How many times have you wondered if, or later found out that someone lied to you and you reacted with anxiety or felt overwhelmed at least momentarily. Lying is a big part of this game called life and whether or not you're playing along, you're still in the game. It pays to be armed with the truth and the means to ferret it out.

Once you realize that you’re being lied to, should you confront the liar immediately? Usually not. The best approach is to note the fact in your mind and continue with the conversation, trying to extract more information. Hold as many cards in your hand as possible at all times. Lack of real Peace of Mind springs from a perceived lack of control.

Once you confront someone who has lied to you, the tone of the conversation changes and gathering additional facts becomes difficult. Therefore, wait until you have all the evidence you want and then decide whether to confront the person at that time or hold off to figure how you can best use this insight to your advantage.

The Basics

Body Language
• The person will make little or no eye contact. A person who is lying to you will do everything to avoid making eye contact. The reverse is also true, having the non-blinking stare is another indicator.
• Physical expression will be limited, with few arm and hand movements. What arm and hand
movements are present will seem stiff, and mechanical. Hands, arms and legs pull in toward
the body; the individual takes up less space.
• His hand(s) may go up to his face or throat, especially to the mouth. But contact with his body is limited to these areas. He is also unlikely to touch his chest with an open hand gesture. He may also touch the nose or scratch behind the ear.
• If he is trying to appear casual and relaxed about his answer, he may shrug a little.

Emotional States: Consistency and Contradiction
• The timing is off between gestures and words. If the facial expression comes after the verbal
statement (“I am so angry with you right now” … pause … and then the angry expression), it llooks false.
• The head moves in a mechanical fashion without regard to emphasis, indicating a conscious
movement.
• Gestures don’t match the verbal message, such as frowning when saying “I love you.” Hands
tightly clenched and a statement of pleasure are not in sync with each other.
• The timing and duration of emotional gestures will seem off. The emotion is delayed coming on, stays longer than it should, and fades out abruptly.
• Expression will be limited to the mouth area when the person is feigning certain emotions –
happiness, surprise, awe, and so on – rather than the whole face.

Interpersonal Interactions
When we are wrongfully accused, only a guilty person gets defensive. Someone who is innocent will usually go on the offensive.
• He is reluctant to face his accuser and may turn his head or shift his body away.
• The person who is lying will probably slouch; he is unlikely to stand tall with his arms out or outstretched.
• There’s movement away from his accuser, possibly in the direction of the exit.
• There will be little or no physical contact during his attempt to convince you.
• He will not point his finger at the person he is trying to convince.
• He may place physical objects (pillow, drinking glass, etcetera) between himself and his
accuser to form a barrier, with a verbal equivalent of “I don’t want to talk about it,” indicating
deception or covert intention.

This is enough to get you thinking and observing. Remember that every person is different in their reactions to telling a lie. It is critical to establish a baseline of behavior by asking pointed questions you know the answer to and observing their behavior, then noting the differences when the heat is on.

From my Peace of Mind Group on Facebook here.

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Giving Your Power Away

Wisdom from my Dad:

Some years ago it was the highlight of the summer to catch fireflies, or lightning bugs as we call them in the south, and collect them into a jar. The goal of course was to attempt to fill the jar as full as possible and theoretically have a nature made lantern of sorts.

Dad was careful to point out that keeping them very long in a jar was hazardous for the the 
bugs. "Well what if I put a lid on it with holes in it?", I asked. He answered that even so the 
fireflies wouldn't be able to breathe and their light would dim and eventually go out. 

I remember one particular summer we were at my aunt's house downtown and not far from where I live now. One of the kids in the field came prepared with a small mason jar and a lid with pre-made holes. I tried to pass that information along about keeping the lightning bugs in a jar but he 
nearly refused saying they were HIS lightning bugs and he wanted to keep them in the jar. True 
to form, the little bugs' lights began to dim and he, beginning to become upset, opened up the 
jar and set them free. As soon as that jar had opened the lights grew brighter and more frequent 
as they, one by one, made their way back out into the world.

It's all to often that we allow other people or situations to dim our light.  We allow ourselves 
to conform to what others want or what appears to be acceptable in society.  The problem is, we are not being TRUE to ourselves.  Our light becomes dimmer and dimmer, and something inside of us dies.  Perhaps it’s passion, imagination, desire, or inspiration.  Nonetheless, it dies.

We give our power away when we seek approval from others and when we hold back our truth because we are afraid of not fitting in…not fitting in with others, or perhaps with what society deems ‘right’.  When we accede to another's ridiculous demands, we're giving away our power. When we allow our innermost desires and passions to take backseat to society or someone else's ideals we are giving away our power.

We can free ourselves by being true to ourselves and honoring our feelings.  Most importantly, we can empower ourselves and brighten our own light by never giving our power away in the first place.

If you’ve given your power away to another person, a co-worker, a boss or even a job, take it 
back! Take your power back by doing what feels right.  Stop hoping that others are going to 
change and that you will wake up from this horrible dream.  Take your power back and make your 
dreams become your reality, whatever dreams you may have.



You deserve it.  You are AMAZING.  Open the jar.

Thanks, Dad

That's me at Dad's knee

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